Grief, such a small word, that holds so much within. Everyone processes grief differently, and not everyone feels the same way about it. How many times have you been told, its been a year, get over it. Seriously? Why do you need to put a time limit on it? Grieving doesn't have a time limit, it has a process. There is a big difference. There is also a difference based on what you are grieving about.
I recently watched the movie, The Starling. Such an impactful movie that truly shows a glimpse into what can happen to people as they grieve. I highly recommend it if you haven't watch it, its on Netflix.
I personally spent many years in my first marriage grieving for my two unborn children. I went through sadness, depression, pity, anger and then finally, many years later, acceptance. I couldn't understand why something that seemed so natural, and as we grow up are told its what eventually happens, my body couldn't. I even spent years going back and forth between anger at my body, and at God/Universe/Gaia, for failing me and hurting me so deeply. I felt betrayed by my body for letting me down, betrayed by doctors who said they couldn't help me, my now ex-husband for seeming to not care and go through life like none of it mattered. I read books, I knew the science behind my diagnoses, but none of that mattered, and each time I lost another baby it just impacted that grief even more.
I started to avoid friends with children, events with babies, baby showers, and growing up in a culture that seemed to not understand that it wasn't that I didn't want children, I couldn't have children, just made going to all these things even more difficult. As time went on, my then husband and I started to grow apart more, do things separately, try to find new ways to spice up things, which ultimately just ended up in both of us deciding that it was better to part ways before we started to hate each other, truly hate each other. We separated, me taking my grieving with me, and attempting to start a new life. It was fours years before that happened.
You might be wondering what my story above has to do with grieving, well, the entire time I was grieving, outwardly, angrily, hating the world, I thought my husband didn't care, my friends, the world didn't care about me or what I was going through. It turned out he just grieved differently. He didn't have the same way of grieving that I did and that doesn't make it wrong, it just makes it different. In my grief, blaming myself, and everyone around me, every entity I possibly could, I grieved without processing. Falling down that proverbial rabbit hole of depression, darkness and self hate. It was easier for me then sitting down and really talking about how I was feeling and understanding those feelings. It doesn't make how I grieved wrong either, just different.
During that period of time, my father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, and was given about 4 months to live. My dad and I were close, I was your typical daddy's girl and we were very much alike. Down the rabbit hole I spiraled even further, taking my guilt of never being able to make him a grandfather with me. I spiraled hard. My grief took over, and I did everything I could to not look at it while I watched him slowly slip away. He died two days after Christmas that year. The next year I spent doing everything possible to avoid dealing with my grief, I had a mother to look after, I had everything that comes with some ones death to deal with, there was too much to do, I had no time to deal with this dark thing looming over me daily. Then one day, out of the blue, the following year, it all came crashing down. I thought I was going to check myself into a mental asylum, jump out in traffic, anything was possible at that time. So I took every ounce of strength I could muster that was left in me and went to my doctor, who has since passed away, and with a room full of patients to see, he sat with me, cried with me for 45 mins, as I let the flood of years out before it completely destroyed me. He made me realize that all my grief had piled up and that I wasn't really going insane.
I spent the next four years working on myself. I hadn't given up on having children, but after sitting down and truly diving into my grief, I started to understand that maybe there was something else out there for me. A different way to be a parent, to have a family. So I took trips, I took courses I had interest in, I dove into my job, I went out with friends, and I lived my life. After 9yrs of blame, of anger, of hatred, I was finally living my life. I laughed, truly laughed for the first time in years, I started to discover who I was, not who I thought I should be, but who I really was, am. That part is still an ongoing journey, I don't think we ever stop learning or discovering ourselves. Then one day, just by chance I met a man, who most would probably say wasn't "my type", then again I wasn't his either. We talked, we laughed, we saw each other with all of our faults, all of our baggage, our past failures, our bold faced humanity. And at the end of that date, he thought he'd never see me again, and honestly I wasn't sure, I knew he made me laugh, he made me cry and he saw me for me.
Fast forward almost 7.5 years, we are married, I have two amazing daughters and son in laws, two incredible grandchildren, an incredible extended family, my mom lives with us and we are a close knit family, we are both physically more broken, perhaps a little less sane with each year that passes, but I can't picture my life without him. The pieces we were both missing or thought were broken in our individual puzzles, found spots when we found each other. When my mother in law passed away almost two years ago, for the first time, we both understood how to deal with the grief, still each differently, but we are coming out of the darkness into the Light. Together.
Its not about how long it takes you to grieve, its about understanding the process, understanding the journey, and that it will be different for everyone. And that before you deeply fall into that rabbit hole, and think there is no coming back, reach out, I promise you, you will find a hand ready to pull you out, ready to help bring you into the Light. Grief is there for a reason, and we don't always understand it, but once you have gone through the process, you will be able to look back and understand. It will involve many tears, a lot of forgiveness, especially of yourself, looking deeply into those dark spots that you had no idea were there or could even be triggered by your grief. But it will be ok, you will come out the other side, and you will be stronger for it.
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